BDSM interviews: Helena Stone

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Helena Stone is here to talk about newbie submissives, disenchanted Dominants, and about keeping kinky life safe and fun 😉

What do you find most interesting about BDSM fiction? Why is it appealing for you?

The biggest draw for me when it comes to BDSM, be it in fiction or in real life, is the trust factor. I place a huge value on trust. For example, I never used the words ‘I promise’ while raising my child because once I promise something, it will happen, no matter what. I try not to judge people, but break my trust more than once and I will make a judgement, and it won’t be favourably.

Of course, all relationships, whether vanilla or D/s, need a high level of trust in order to survive. But submission makes the need for trust more prominent. I guess it would be possible to stay with someone you didn’t trust completely. Submitting to someone, surrendering your free will, on the other hand becomes impossible the instant trust is gone. Even if a person still desperately wants to submit, it won’t be true submission unless the trust is there.

So, to try and summarise, what intrigues and appeals me is that whole journey. How someone gets to the point where they say, here I am, I’m yours, do as you please (within pre-arranged boundaries), I trust you not to harm me. But also, how the Dominant trusts themselves not to take advantage of what they’ve been given, and trust their submissive to speak up when things aren’t right.

I’m not convinced I’m explaining myself very well here. You’ll just have to trust me (pun very much intended) when I say that for me the most beautiful thing about BDSM is how much the people involved have to and do trust each other.

In All or Nothing, the main character, Hector, saves a clueless young women from a predatory Dom. What do you think a submissive should (or shouldn’t) do not to become a victim of an abuser?

LOL. They most certainly shouldn’t do what Amber does in the scene you reference there, and walk in to that world unprepared and without a clue. In fact, no matter how much Hector in the same book is a dick about it, I do think he has a point when he states that it is essential for her (or any submissive) to have a good sense of who they are and what they want before they indulge in any form of play.

Again, I think the difference between the BDSM and the vanilla world is ‘only’ marginal. In both cases it is essential to make sure you are going to be safe with the person you’re meeting. You need a back up system in place for a first date. You should get to know someone before meeting them in private. When dealing with a Dom, a submissive should make sure they both know and respect what their boundaries are. And always, always trust your gut. If something feels off, it probably is.

Hector grumbles about young wannabes attracted to BDSM because of popular fiction, which isn’t always a reliable source of information. In your own opinion, is it a good or a bad thing that more people discover the kinky lifestyle through unrealistic books?

If couples want to spice up their love life with furry handcuffs and an occasional mild spanking based on something they’ve read in a book, I’m all for it. There’s more to sex than the missionary position. 😊

However, that does assume that whoever is reading the book realizes that what’s on the page is FICTION and not necessarily related to what can or should happen in real life. I dread to think that people might actually believe that a relationship as described on the pages of THOSE books might be in any way healthy or even safe.

I prefer to think that most people read those books for the fantasy they are. And yes, maybe they do find themselves experimenting a bit more on the back of what they’ve read. I would like to believe that it might lead them to formerly unknown pleasures and maybe even a deepening of an already existing relationship. Most of us have been raised to think of sex as something shameful and, for many women, something to be endured rather than enjoyed. I can’t complain that those misconceptions are finally fading, not in a small part thanks to those books.

Describing a BDSM club in All or Nothing and an exclusive sex resort in Little Rainbows, did you have some real establishments in mind? Did you have to do some research to make them look realistic?

Oh my. No. Not at all. The Blowhole (that sex resort) is a total figment of my imagination. A dream sex resort really. I didn’t want it to be a BDSM club as such and my reasons link in with my reply to your previous question. I truly believe that there are a lot of people who want more from their sex life than just five minutes in the missionary position once a week without necessarily having an appetite for the truly kinky stuff. That’s why I created The Blowhole with a long hallway along the length of which the heat levels go up. Vanilla couples can indulge, with or without the aid of toys, in the first rooms, while after the double doors, life-stylers have access to anything one might hope to find in a dungeon. If such a place exists, I’m unaware of it, but I would love it if someone could point me in its direction.
Both Doms from these two books of yours find their enthusiasm for dominance diminishing with years. What do you think is the best way to keep kinky life fun?

Oh now. That’s a hard question and probably also one for which every person you ask might have a slightly different answer. I think the trick is to make sure you’re truly invested and to keep in touch with the magic of it. The moment we take anything for granted, as soon as something becomes routine, it also loses its pulling power. Also, as boring as it may sound, I believe communication plays a vital role. People need to speak up if, for whatever reason, what used to be fun doesn’t work anymore. A problem not acknowledged, can’t be fixed. What’s more, a problem not acknowledged can, in the long run, easily lead to a relationship not surviving.

While it may not be the easiest thing to say “You know what? Your hand/whip/flogger/… just isn’t doing it for me right now”, it may just lead to the application of nipple clamps and a whole new world of pleasure/pain. 😊

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